


can we stop the fall (does it really matter at all)

by Monstrous_Femme



Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: F/F, Soulmate AU, magicians femslash week
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-01 17:20:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14525526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monstrous_Femme/pseuds/Monstrous_Femme
Summary: The first thing Alice saw was brown.It started at the eyes, which had widened the moment they met Alice’s. The next thing she noticed was the hair, brown and cascading down the girl’s shoulders. Aliceknewit was brown, had seen the moment it transformed from the shade of grey she knew was called brown to something deep and warm.“Oh, shit,” the girl said, staring at her. “I think—are you seeing this?”Something warm and heavy was beginning to form in Alice’s center. She knew it would burn her if she wasn’t careful. “I’m sorry,” she said, in as cold and passive a tone as possible. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”Soulmate AU in which you see colors for the first time when you meet your soulmate.





	can we stop the fall (does it really matter at all)

The first thing Alice saw was brown.

It started at the eyes, which had widened the moment they met Alice’s. The next thing she noticed was the hair, brown and cascading down the girl’s shoulders. Alice _knew_ it was brown, had seen the moment it transformed from the shade of grey she knew was called brown to something deep and warm. 

_Well, fuck._

“Oh, shit,” the girl said, staring at her. “I think—are you seeing this?”

Something warm and heavy was beginning to form in Alice’s center. She knew it would burn her if she wasn’t careful. “I’m sorry,” she said, in as cold and passive a tone as possible. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

*

The girl’s name was Julia, she was in the Knowledge House, and she was best friends with the most lukewarm man Alice had ever met. Not that Alice had sought out any of this information.

“I’m just saying,” Quentin said the third time he appeared at her table at the library. “I really think if you just got a cup of coffee with her, you’d like her. And it’s not fair that Julia just doesn’t get a soulmate because you’re too busy—”

“Yeah, well life isn’t fair,” Alice cut him off. Her mind flashed to her brother, to the research she’d been doing that all pointed to one thing that could have happened to him. She put a hand over the title of the book she was reading: _A Complete Guide to Magical Beings_. “I didn’t ask to be anybody’s soulmate.”

“But if you would just take the time to get to know her—”

“I’m busy. Do you mind?”

She turned pointedly back to her book, and Quentin left, but that didn’t prevent the fifth time he sought her out, or the seventh, or the twelfth. 

Finally, Alice was forced to take matters into her own hands.

Knowledge students lived above the library, which meant all she had to do was sit at the table closest to the stairs one morning and wait. As soon as she saw Julia coming down the stairs, Alice was on her feet and walking towards her.

“Can you tell your friend to back off?” she asked when Julia reached the bottom. “He’s been driving me crazy for weeks. And no offense, but him suggesting I get drinks or coffee with you a million times isn’t making me want this any more than I did before.”

Julia looked at her. Her face was a cross between wariness and compassion. “I’m sorry about Quentin,” she said. “He’s just— he hasn’t caught up to the real world.” She sighed. “When we were kids, he and I sat around and talked for hours about what it would be like when we met our soulmates. He hasn’t realized that real life isn’t like a book.”

“That’s fine, but that’s not my problem, is it?”

“No,” Julia said. “No, I guess it’s not.”

There was something vulnerable in her voice, but Alice brushed it off with a shrug. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry you got stuck with me. I wish your soulmate was someone else out there who could actually love you.”

“But they’re not.”

The words sent a surge of something squirming into Alice’s stomach, like worms or other creature she couldn’t quite name. She avoided eye contact. Julia’s earrings and necklace were silver, probably made of some sort of metal. They swirled in abstract shapes.

“I see you in here a lot,” Julia said suddenly. “You’re researching Niffins. I’ve seen the books out on the tables. What’s that about?”

Alice’s hands stiffened around the book she was still carrying. “That’s none of your business,” she said, turning away. The colors around her seemed to be muting, almost back to gray for a moment. 

She hoped they’d go away entirely, so she could have some peace.

*

A week later, Julia approached her in the library. Alice stood to leave, but before she could do so Julia had dropped a book on the table. The cover was gray and blue.

“ _Magic and Electromagnetism?_?” 

“It’s about the electromagnetic changes that go through the body when a Magician becomes an Niffin.” Julia tapped her fingers on her leg, looking nervous. “I thought it might help your research.” 

“Oh.” Alice looked down. She couldn’t identify the warm feeling that had gone through her, but it didn’t matter what it was. Julia was right, this book could be useful. “Thanks, I guess.”

Julia started to walk away. Alice watched her go, but a tiny place in her chest filled with longing. Watching her leave—almost hurt. “You can sit here,” she said, just before Julia got too far away to hear. “If you want, I mean.”

Julia took a few steps back towards her, but shook her head. “I’ve got my own projects to work on,” she said. “But thanks.”

Answering would have made it seem like she cared, and Alice didn’t. She turned back to her book. The words swam in front of her eyes, but she didn’t have to read them. She just had to keep staring at them until Julia was far enough away that the feeling in Alice’s chest retreated.

Her cheeks were warm, Alice realized, which meant they were probably pink as well. She put her cold hand against her cheek to get it back to normal. 

Everything would have been much easier if the world had just stayed in black and white like it was supposed to.

*

This was it.

Alice double checked her math, just to make sure it lined up. A warm feeling washed over her, lightening the heaviness she’d felt since her brother had died, if only by a little bit. She’d found it. A spell to summon a Niffin, one that she could do tonight as long as she got the right things from her room.

She could see Charlie in just a few hours.

It was after midnight, but that hardly mattered now. Alice crammed her papers into her backpack, no longer concerned with keeping them neat or in order, and all but ran from the library. 

A few steps out the door, she felt a hand on her shoulder.

“What do you want?” Alice demanded, turning her head and finding herself looking at Julia.

“I saw the book you just left behind,” Julia said. “You left it open on the table. I know you’re trying to summon a Niffin.” 

“So what if I am?

“You’re going to get yourself killed.”

“Just stay out of my way,” Alice said. She tried to push past her, but Julia stopped her and grabbed both of her shoulders.

“And what happens once you’ve summoned it?” Julia demanded. “What’s your plan for if things go wrong?”

“I’ll figure it out.”

“Or you could be _not_ incredibly stupid and figure it out now,” Julia said. “Make a plan. Otherwise, you’ll have to either die or kill whoever it is you’re hoping to bring back.”

The cold air nipped at Alice’s arms. She pulled away from Julia’s grasp. “What makes you so sure I’m trying to bring someone back?” she demanded, as if that were the most important part of all of this.

“It’s the only non-stupid reason I can think of for summoning a Niffin, and you don’t strike me as stupid. So make a plan, please. Figure out how to _actually_ bring someone back who’s been a niffin, _then_ do your summoning. You’ve only got one shot. Don’t you think you should at least try to get it right?”

Alice crossed her arms in front of her chest. “I _am_ trying.” The trees surrounding them looked almost black in the dark. If she didn’t look too hard, she could pretend the world looked how it had for years. 

“Then listen to me,” Julia said. “Let me help you. We can research it more. What do you know about Shades?”

“Not a lot.” Alice tried to think back to the reading she’d done, but there had been so much of it and her notes were in her bag. “Um, I think it’s a part of the soul. Separate from the rest. It has to do with your emotional core, and it can be severed.”

“And Niffins don’t have one,” Julia said. “So if you’re trying to summon someone important to you and actually want to bring them back…”

“I’ll need their Shade,” Alice said. Okay. So there might be something to what Julia was saying after all. Maybe she did need more of a plan. “Okay, do you have any idea where I’d even get someone’s Shade who’s lost it?”

“In the Underworld,” Julia said. “Still convinced you want to handle this on your own, or will you let me help you?”

Alice hesitated. This wasn’t how things were supposed to go. _I don’t need anybody,_ she thought, but the idea of finding her own way to the Underworld sounded even stupider than trying to summon Charlie without a plan. 

“Fine,” she said at last. The trees whipped in the wind. “You can help me get to the Underworld.”

*

Alice drummed her fingers on the plastic covering of the table, feeling distinctly out of place. Julia had insisted that they work off-campus, away from the prying eyes of other students who might be able to figure out what they were doing. Right now they were at a café in Hoboken. Last week it had been a library in Brooklyn. Next week they’d probably be somewhere else.

Her eyes flitted to the page she was supposed to be focusing on, then up at Julia, then back to the page. Ever since the world had come into color she’d been noticing the most random details. Today it was the way the black of Julia’s clothing changed almost imperceptibly in the sunlight.

She forced her attention back to the page a third time, but it was pointless. There was nothing in this book about how to get to the Underworld, just a few broad references that Alice couldn’t concentrate enough to decipher.

“Wait, here’s something,” Julia said suddenly, pushing a book across the table to her. Alice leaned forward to look at it. 

“It looks like a diagram,” she said. 

Julia pointed to a part of the picture that looked like a webbed hole in the center of a person. “That’s where the Shade used to be,” she said. “When you get to the Underworld without one, there’s that hole. At least, I think that’s what this says. My ancient Greek’s a little rusty.”

“But the person I’m trying to fix isn’t in the Underworld. It doesn’t matter what he’ll look like without his Shade there, he’s in the realm of the living.”

“I know.” Julia pushed back her hair. “What I’m wondering is, what if we can put his Shade into another person to get it back to Earth? It can’t be one of us, we don’t have any space, but maybe we can find someone without their Shade. Someone with the space to bring back Charlie’s in their body.” 

The way she said “we” sent tingles up and down Alice’s body. Alice ignored them and considered the logistics of this plan. “We’ll still need to find a dragon to use as a portal. And a person without a Shade isn’t going to agree to help us out of the goodness of their heart. We’ll need to bribe them, and go along to the Underworld so they don’t double-cross us.”

Julia nodded. “I think we should try it,” she said. “It’s risky, but I don’t know if we’re going to get anything better. And whoever it is you’re trying to save, it sounds like he’s worth it.

A wave of guilt washed over Alice. All these weeks, Julia had been helping her without even knowing who or what this was all about. She’d never even asked for answers. “His name is Charlie,” Alice said in a rush. “He’s my brother.”

Julia looked at her with an expression that seemed both vulnerable and closed off. She reached for Alice’s hand but didn’t take it. “I’m sorry,” she said. “But I’m glad you felt comfortable telling me that.”

Alice shrugged, but she wasn’t sure the gesture came off as casual as she’d been hoping it would. “You were going to have to find out eventually to know whose Shade to look for.”

“That’s true.” Julia moved the book off to the side and leaned forward. “So, I guess our next step is to find someone whose missing their Shade.”

 _That could take years._ Alice’s stomach sunk, but she managed to nod.

*

It didn’t take years, or even months. It took two weeks to find a woman without her Shade, three more to agree on a reasonable price for her help, and one final week to hunt down a dragon.

Tomorrow, Alice would be getting back the part of her brother that had been taken from him.

*

Alice walked across campus. The streetlights seemed to shine brighter than usual tonight. By this point, Alice had grown used to their yellow glow, but it seemed different tonight. When she’d been younger, she’d dreamed in what she’d thought was color. That was what this seemed like.

 _Stop thinking,_ she instructed herself, as if that had ever been a realistic option. Her mind was a constant swarm of thoughts. Alice had never known how to shut it off.

When she reached the library, she climbed up the stairs to the Knowledge house. She had never been to Julia’s bedroom, but the colors seemed to brighten as she approached it. There was no doubt in Alice’s mind that this was the right one. She knocked.

The door swung open to reveal Julia in a pair of grey sweatpants and a sports bra. “Hey,” she said softly. “Do you want to come in?”

Alice stepped into the room. “I don’t think we’ve thought things through enough, Julia” she said, the words tripping over themselves on the way out of her mouth. She sat down on the bed, but immediately stood back up and began to pace the room. “Our whole plan relies on the help of a woman we barely know who doesn’t have an important part of her soul.”

“It’s a big risk,” Julia said. She took a step closer. “But I really think we’ll be okay. We’ve planned for everything.”

“There’s so many things that can go wrong,” Alice said. She could feel her body moving faster as she paced around the room. “Are you sure the dragon will even take a bribe? Not to mention the fact that we have no idea how to navigate the Underworld. And—”

“Hey.” Julia took Alice’s hands and pulled her towards her. “It’s going to be okay. I promise.”

“That’s easy for you to say. It’s not your brother whose life is at stake here.”

Julia put a hand under her chin. and lifted it. Her fingers were soft against Alice’s skin. “Breathe,” she said softly. “We’re going to be okay.”

“I don’t think I even know what okay feels like.” The words felt like they were choking her. “My brother’s been gone for five years, and my parents were never really there, and—” _And I’m scared,_ she didn’t say. _And I’ve never really felt safe in a world full of monsters and magic and mostly humans, the intricacy of pain and existence._

Julia’s hand drifted to the back of Alice’s neck. “Start with a deep breath,” she said. “Deep breath, and then imagine yourself somewhere you feel safe.”

The breath was a gasp. Nowhere felt safe.

“For me, it’s the moment Dean Fogg showed me the Knowledge house,” Julia said. “I walked up the stairs from the library and stepped into this cool dark room full of books and—it was just home, you know?”

“Sounds nice,” Alice said, unable to keep the bite out of her words.

Julia laughed softly. Her fingers stroked the skin on Alice’s neck. “Okay, here’s one then,” she said. “We save Charlie, and then you go with him somewhere far away where you can be whoever you want to be. Another world, if that’s what you want.”

Alice just stared at her.

“Come on. Close your eyes and picture it.”

Alice closed her eyes. For some reason, the image that floated into her vision was her aunt’s farm. Away from everything and everyone’s demands of her. She was slicing a tomato, and Julia came up behind her, kissed the back of her neck, and slipped her arms around her waist.

Her eyes flew open before she even had time to imagine Charlie’s presence on the farm. Alice pulled away from Julia and sat down heavily on the bed. “It didn’t help, but thanks,” she said.

Julia gave a half-shrug. “Visualization’s not for everyone.” She sat down next to Alice, which was technically allowed since it was her bed but also made Alice want to get up and run somewhere a million miles away. “So,” Julia continued. “What do you do when you need to calm down?”

Even if she’d wanted to tell Julia the truth, there were no words for it, nothing but the feeling of folding further and further inward to fit the smallest space she could give herself. “I don’t know,” she admitted.

“Well, there’s two general categories of taking care of yourself,” Julia said. “Mental and physical. And spiritual, I guess, if you’re into that.”

“I’m not.”

“Me neither. Anyway, the point is, some of us get so stuck in our minds that it stops helping. It’s too easy to go in circles with your thoughts. And when that happens, you have to focus on taking care of yourself physically instead.”

Their bodies were only inches apart. Alice shifted, but couldn’t make herself move closer or further away. She stared at the wall opposite her. “No offense, but I don’t see how going for a run or doing yoga or whatever is going to make me feel better right now.”

“Are you telling me there’s nothing you do with your body that makes you feel better?”

Alice made the of turning to look at Julia. When their eyes met, all of the air left her lungs. She grabbed desperately at Julia, one hand landing on her shoulder and one winding its way into her hair. When their lips touched she pulled her closer, as close as she could without crawling inside of Julia’s skin and hiding out there. It wasn’t enough. Nothing would ever be enough, but she pulled herself onto Julia’s lap anyway, just to get closer. Julia’s hands settled around her waist, anchoring her in place. Alice kissed Julia’s neck, then bit it, maybe harder than she was supposed to. It was impossible to know, when her legs were moving of their own accord to wrap around Julia’s waist and for the first time she could remember her brain was only crowded with thoughts and not drowning in them.

*

When Alice awoke a few hours later, she sat up in bed and stared at the wall for a long time. Eventually, she could feel Julia’s eyes on her. She turned her head until she could see that Julia, watching her with something fragile in her face. “Hi,” Julia said.

The air in the room felt stale, recycled. “I don’t want you to get the wrong idea,” Alice said, wrapping the sheet more tightly around herself. She turned back to face the wall. “This doesn’t mean I want to be your soulmate.”

“I know,” Julia said softly. She didn’t sound like she was crying, but there was something close to pain in her voice anyway. 

_You don’t owe her anything,_ Alice told herself, but the desire to explain was like snakes writhing around in her gut. Eyes still trained on the wall, she said, “I never promised to love anyone, okay?”

“I know,” Julia repeated.

“I lost myself when Charlie died. I’ve spent five years trying to bring him back, and I don’t even know who I am anymore, okay?” Alice was surprised at the anger in her voice. “I can’t take on another person right now, especially not a soulmate. It’s not fair. I’m not ready for forever, when I don’t even know who the fuck I’m supposed to be on my own.”

When Julia didn’t say anything, Alice forced herself to turn and look at her. There was something about her eyes, the warm brown that was the first color Alice had ever seen, that made her shatter inside.

“You don’t have to love me,” Julia said when their eyes met. Her voice was stronger than it had been before. “But I’m not going to pretend that I don’t love you.”

Alice nodded. Her throat felt like it might close up. “Maybe someday—” she began shakily, then stopped.

Julia shook her head. “Let’s not think about that right now,” she said. “Okay? I don’t want to get stuck wanting something I might never get. That’s how I’ll get lost. You can’t love me right now, and that’s okay.”

 _Is it?_ Alice almost asked, but stopped herself. “So what do we do now?” 

“Let’s get a little more sleep if we can,” Julia said. She wrapped herself tightly in a blanket and lowered her head to the pillow. “And tomorrow morning, we’ll bring your brother back to life.”.”

**Author's Note:**

> Chat with me on tumblr about The Magicians! @bisexual-meme-thief


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